The two heaviest defeats of the opening gameweek, meeting immediately. Andover's 23 and the Bulls' 11 were the lowest totals in the division, and neither found anything resembling a match-winner — SaMo's leading scorer was their goalkeeper, on three. The Albis got nothing from Watkins with Al Hilal still circling, and nothing from three of their four defenders. SaMo are still without Saliba. The Bulls hold the series 7–4, but nothing either club did last week earns them favouritism.

The most one-sided rivalry in the league at 16–3, and the opening gameweek did nothing to suggest a correction. Palmer's 13 was the second-best score in the division and the Tikka defence delivered exactly as advertised, Gabriel and Branthwaite both returning behind a Raya clean sheet. The Owls have the raw material — only three players in the entire division beat Ødegaard's 11 — but their other nine starters managed 17 combined. Rashford, still rumoured to be leaving the league, remains on the Chicken Tikka bench.

Two winners, two comebacks, and a series the Sharks lead 9–6. SHRKFKRS won without their marquee forward contributing anything at all: Gyökeres was benched and blank, and the work came from Gvardiol, Szoboszlai and Barry instead. The Gulls reached 47 behind Gakpo's 12 and a nine-point clean sheet from Trafford, written off pre-season as the worst number two on the board. Both perfect records are on the line — though Devilishly Seagulls left eight points on their bench, more than anyone.

Both led their opening matches and lost them anyway, which is an odd thing to share going into a fixture the Red Devils own 7–3. Cherki and Calafiori gave Bramley 17 between them and it still wasn't enough; the Bombers got 11 apiece from White and Dewsbury-Hall and lost by 16. The number hanging over this one is Haaland's two points on debut — first pick in the draft, and level with Elgin's lowest-returning starters. Richarlison's future is still unresolved on the other side.

The Nor'Easters' 48 was the second-highest total in the division and comfortably the most convincing performance of the gameweek. The Lox also won, but 34 was the lowest winning score anyone posted and their six-point margin the narrowest. Both are 1-0. Only one of them looks built to stay there.

Both lost, both scored exactly 28, and both sit on nothing. The margins tell them apart — The Rascals were beaten by 16, the LiverBirds by six — but that's a thin distinction. Whoever loses here is bottom of the division on points scored and 0-2 before September.

The Eastsiders' 44 and sixteen-point win was the third-best performance in the division. The Commuters are still waiting for a first result under the new identity after losing by fifteen and posting 26. On the only evidence available this is the widest gap on the card — which is usually when one of these goes the other way.

The two heaviest defeats of the gameweek — 24 and 21 points — and the two lowest totals in the division. The Corgis shipped 49, more than anyone conceded anywhere. The Lews have real top-flight history behind them and nothing to show for it in this division yet. One of them gets off the mark.

The Bombers led this match for roughly three days and lost it in ninety minutes. Ben White opened the scoring almost before anyone had settled in, and by the break Elgin were twelve clear with Dewsbury-Hall and Tarkowski both delivering. The Flying Lions kept themselves in it through Tavernier and Ndiaye, but going into the final night they still trailed 41–40 — and the Bombers had nobody left to play. West Adams had two. João Pedro scored inside the opening minute of the last match standing, Lacroix turned provider from the back, and a seventeen-point closing burst turned a one-point deficit into a sixteen-point win. Elgin owned this fixture 9–1 coming in; they now own it 9–2, and they will not forget how.

The closest series in the league went to the wire again, and again it turned late. The Red Devils were 15–1 up early through Calafiori and Tzolis, still ahead at the break, and looked to be managing it. Then the Gulls' second half arrived: Gakpo struck just after the interval, Wieffer and Georginio piled in behind him, and twenty-nine points in a single afternoon flipped a five-point deficit into a six-point lead. Neither side had a player left for the closing stages, so Devilishly Seagulls simply watched the clock run out on a match they had trailed for most of. All-time, this rivalry is now dead level at 10–10.

The Owls could not have started better or finished worse. Ødegaard and Havertz combined for seventeen points in the opening exchanges while the Sharks were still waiting to get a player on the pitch — 17–0, and SHRKFKRS had not touched the ball. Osborn were still twelve clear at the break. Then Gvardiol, Szoboszlai and Barry delivered twenty-four points between them in the second half, and the Sharks went ahead for the first time in the match with barely anything left to play for. A late Neto point and a Sánchez clean sheet closed it out. The Owls have now lost eleven of nineteen in this series.

This one was decided early and buried late. The Tikkas were ahead from the opening exchanges through Raya and Gabriel, and by the break had stretched it to 27–5 with McBurnie and Branthwaite both returning. The Bulls never managed more than four points in any phase of the match. Palmer then produced thirteen on his own in the closing stages, with Gonzalo alongside him, to finish it 48–11 — the biggest blowout of the season so far and the lowest single-gameweek total any club has posted. Chicken Tikka move to 8–5 in the all-time series.

The defending champions were sixteen points down at the break and won by twenty-eight. The Albis did everything right early — Saka and Pickford had them 22–6 up and cruising against an Ernies side that had scored precisely nothing in the opening exchanges. Then came the second half, and it was carnage: Hinshelwood sixteen, Guéhi ten, Elanga nine with a goal in the opening five minutes of his match. Thirty-seven points in one phase. Rogers added eight more late for good measure. Andover had led this series 12–4 all-time; it is 12–5 now, and Trey Burt Ernie announced themselves by erasing the biggest deficit of the gameweek.

The oldest grudge in the division settled nothing. The Nor'Easters took the first Championship meeting 48–27, the second-highest total of the gameweek, and cut the Lews' long-standing edge in this fixture to 8–7. Two clubs with real top-flight history, and only one of them looked like it.

The division's highest score of the opening gameweek, and comfortably so. The Wolf Hounds put up 49 in the first competitive match the club has ever played and beat The Corgis by twenty-four. A first meeting between the two, and an emphatic way to open a ledger.

Los Lechoneros spoiled the debut. Boricua Bacon Brigade won 41–26 in the first meeting between the clubs, leaving The Commuters still waiting for a first win under the new identity.

The Eastsiders opened their history with a statement, beating The Rascals 44–28. A blank ledger going in, and Kirkwood now own every page of it.

The only tight match in the division. The Lox edged the LiverBirds 34–28, the single-digit margin of the gameweek, in a fixture that looks like it will be worth watching.