Bruno Fernandes scored twenty-three points on his own — the highest individual return of the season, and more than the entire SaMo eleven managed a week earlier. Mukiele's nine made it thirty-two from two players out of forty; the other nine starters contributed eight, and Donnarumma and G.Jesus both blanked. It was still enough, because Andover have the same disease. Saka's eleven and Foden's nine gave them twenty of their twenty-nine, and the remaining nine produced nine between them, with Van de Ven, Madueke, Maddison and De Cuyper all returning nothing. The Bulls take their first win of the season and now lead the all-time series 8–4; Andover are 0-2-0 for the season with the lowest points-for total in the division.

Schade's ten and Ballard's eight had the Owls ahead 31–29 with a phase to play, which is a sentence nobody expected in a fixture the Tikkas own 16–3. What beat them was distribution. Chicken Tikka had six starters between four and eight points — Gabriel eight, Palmer seven, then Raya, N.Williams and Xhaka all on six, Branthwaite on four — and Gabriel and Raya were still to play when Osborn were finished. Fourteen closing points against five decided it. Ødegaard and Havertz, worth seventeen between them in week one, managed five. Tzolakis's ten sat on the Osborn bench, part of thirteen wasted. Osborn have now lost seventeen of twenty all-time in this fixture.

Mbeumo's eleven led it, but the Gulls won this on breadth: Ajayi six, Semenyo five, Gakpo five, Truffert, Sangaré and Woltemade four apiece, Barnes three. Eight starters at three or more, from a side that made four transactions during the week and got all four right. The Sharks had three players deliver — Neto seven, Munoz six, Gvardiol five — and nothing behind them: Sánchez, Araujo and Gyökeres all blanked, and Gyökeres has now returned nothing in either gameweek. Twenty-seven is SHRKFKRS' worst of the season with an empty bench to match. The Sharks still lead the all-time series, now 9–7.

Cherki's fourteen and Calafiori's eleven would have won any other match on the card. Bramley scored fifty-two and lost by fourteen, because Elgin had five players in double figures or close to it: Gibbs-White thirteen, Haaland thirteen, Tarkowski twelve, Cunha nine, White seven — fifty-four of their sixty-six from five names. Haaland's return is the story. First pick in the draft, two points on debut, and now the joint-top scorer in the highest-scoring performance of the season. Sixty-six is the best total any club has posted in either division. The Red Devils are 0-2-0 for the season despite outscoring four of the seven clubs above them in the table, and left sixteen on the bench — Hall's eleven among them, the most anyone has wasted in a week. Elgin lead the all-time series 8–3.

The club that looked strongest after gameweek one was taken apart. The Lox — whose 34 was the lowest winning total of the opening weekend — put up 53 and beat the Nor'Easters by twenty-four. NELA managed 29, nineteen fewer than their opening total, and have gone from the division's most convincing side to mid-table in a week. Loxingham lead this fixture 1–0 all-time, and are 2-0-0 for the season.

Two clubs who lost their openers with identical 28-point returns, and the LiverBirds were the ones who fixed it. 46–42 is the sort of scoreline neither managed a week ago, and both found eighteen points of improvement on the same afternoon. The Rascals are the only side in the division still without a point after two.

The match of the gameweek, and the closest finish the division has produced. Kirkwood held on 54–52 — a two-point margin, the narrowest anywhere in either division this season. The cruel part belongs to The Commuters: 52 was the fourth-highest total of the gameweek and more than double what they managed on debut, and it still left them 0-2-0 for the season. The Eastsiders are perfect.

The Lews are off the mark. Both clubs came in on the back of the two heaviest defeats of the opening gameweek and Joe Lewis were the ones who responded, winning 43–26 and taking the first all-time meeting 1–0. The Corgis have now scored 51 across two matches — fewer than Hiberian managed on Sunday alone — and remain the division's only winless side yet to break 30.

The two heaviest defeats of the opening gameweek, meeting immediately. Andover's 23 and the Bulls' 11 were the lowest totals in the division, and neither found anything resembling a match-winner — SaMo's leading scorer was their goalkeeper, on three. The Albis got nothing from Watkins with Al Hilal still circling, and nothing from three of their four defenders. SaMo are still without Saliba. The Bulls hold the series 7–4, but nothing either club did last week earns them favouritism.

The most one-sided rivalry in the league at 16–3, and the opening gameweek did nothing to suggest a correction. Palmer's 13 was the second-best score in the division and the Tikka defence delivered exactly as advertised, Gabriel and Branthwaite both returning behind a Raya clean sheet. The Owls have the raw material — only three players in the entire division beat Ødegaard's 11 — but their other nine starters managed 17 combined. Rashford, still rumoured to be leaving the league, remains on the Chicken Tikka bench.

Two winners, two comebacks, and a series the Sharks lead 9–6. SHRKFKRS won without their marquee forward contributing anything at all: Gyökeres was benched and blank, and the work came from Gvardiol, Szoboszlai and Barry instead. The Gulls reached 47 behind Gakpo's 12 and a nine-point clean sheet from Trafford, written off pre-season as the worst number two on the board. Both perfect records are on the line — though Devilishly Seagulls left eight points on their bench, more than anyone.

Both led their opening matches and lost them anyway, which is an odd thing to share going into a fixture the Red Devils own 7–3. Cherki and Calafiori gave Bramley 17 between them and it still wasn't enough; the Bombers got 11 apiece from White and Dewsbury-Hall and lost by 16. The number hanging over this one is Haaland's two points on debut — first pick in the draft, and level with Elgin's lowest-returning starters. Richarlison's future is still unresolved on the other side.

The Nor'Easters' 48 was the second-highest total in the division and comfortably the most convincing performance of the gameweek. The Lox also won, but 34 was the lowest winning score anyone posted and their six-point margin the narrowest. Both are 1-0. Only one of them looks built to stay there.

Both lost, both scored exactly 28, and both sit on nothing. The margins tell them apart — The Rascals were beaten by 16, the LiverBirds by six — but that's a thin distinction. Whoever loses here is bottom of the division on points scored and 0-2 before September.

The Eastsiders' 44 and sixteen-point win was the third-best performance in the division. The Commuters are still waiting for a first result under the new identity after losing by fifteen and posting 26. On the only evidence available this is the widest gap on the card — which is usually when one of these goes the other way.

The two heaviest defeats of the gameweek — 24 and 21 points — and the two lowest totals in the division. The Corgis shipped 49, more than anyone conceded anywhere. The Lews have real top-flight history behind them and nothing to show for it in this division yet. One of them gets off the mark.

Two elevens carried the Bombers and it still wasn't enough. Ben White and Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall returned eleven apiece and Tarkowski added six — twenty-eight of Elgin's forty-one from three players, with Haaland managing two on debut and five other starters returning two or less. West Adams won it the opposite way. Nobody hit double figures until João Pedro's eleven, but Tavernier gave them ten, Ndiaye nine, and Verbruggen, Lacroix and Mosquera six each — seven starters at three or more against Elgin's three. The Bombers were still ahead 41–40 with only the Flying Lions left to play; João Pedro and Lacroix took it from there. Elgin owned this fixture 9–1 coming in. It is 9–2 now.

Calafiori and Tzolis put the Red Devils fifteen points up before the Gulls had anything at all, and Cherki's eight kept them there. What turned it was Cody Gakpo, whose twelve was the highest score on the pitch, backed by a nine-point clean sheet from Trafford — written off pre-season as the worst number two on the board — and seven from Wieffer. Georginio's five made it four Seagulls in double-figure-adjacent territory while Bramley's contributions thinned out behind their top three. Twenty-nine points in one phase turned a five-point deficit into a six-point win. The closest series in the league is now dead level at 10–10, and the Gulls left seven on their bench doing it.

Ødegaard's eleven and Havertz's six gave the Owls seventeen points before SHRKFKRS had a player on the pitch. The problem was everyone else: Osborn's other nine starters managed seventeen between them, with Ballard and Thiago both blanking. The Sharks answered with three players rather than two — Gvardiol nine, Szoboszlai eight, Barry eight, twenty-five of their thirty-nine from a defender, a midfielder and a forward. Sánchez's clean sheet and a late Neto point closed a five-point win in which SHRKFKRS never led until the end. The Owls have now lost eleven of nineteen all-time in this fixture.

The Bulls' leading scorer was their goalkeeper. Donnarumma's three was the best return in a SaMo side where nine of eleven starters managed one point or none — Saliba, James, G.Jesus all blank, Bruno Fernandes held to two. Eleven points is the lowest total any club has posted. Chicken Tikka needed none of their best to win it and got it anyway: Palmer thirteen, with Raya, Branthwaite and Gonzalo all on six and Gabriel and McBurnie on five, six different starters outscoring SaMo's top man on their own. 48–11 is the biggest blowout of the season. The Tikkas lead the all-time series 8–5.

Jack Hinshelwood's sixteen was the best individual score of the gameweek, and the champions surrounded it properly — Guéhi ten from the back, Elanga nine with a goal five minutes into his match, Rogers eight. Forty-three of Trey Burt Ernie's fifty-one came from four players. The Albis had the opposite problem: Saka's nine and Pickford's seven accounted for sixteen of their twenty-three, and the remaining nine starters produced seven combined, with Watkins, Van de Ven, Palestra and Martinez all returning nothing. Andover actually led 22–6 at the break before the Ernies' thirty-seven point second half buried it. Andover had led this series 12–4 all-time; it is 12–5 now.

The oldest grudge in the division settled nothing. The Nor'Easters took the first Championship meeting 48–27, the second-highest total of the gameweek, and cut the Lews' long-standing edge in this fixture to 8–7. Two clubs with real top-flight history, and only one of them looked like it.

The division's highest score of the opening gameweek, and comfortably so. The Wolf Hounds put up 49 in the first competitive match the club has ever played and beat The Corgis by twenty-four. A first meeting between the two, and an emphatic way to open a ledger.

Los Lechoneros spoiled the debut. Boricua Bacon Brigade won 41–26 in the first meeting between the clubs, leaving The Commuters still waiting for a first win under the new identity.

The Eastsiders opened their history with a statement, beating The Rascals 44–28. A blank ledger going in, and Kirkwood now own every page of it.

The only tight match in the division. The Lox edged the LiverBirds 34–28, the single-digit margin of the gameweek, in a fixture that looks like it will be worth watching.